⚠️ To Be Or Not To Be A Friend
One of my "friends", whom I've known for several years now, became a mentor to me. Our friendship started because we had some things in common and shared passions. My loyalty was to this friend, but recently I overheard a conversation that I probably shouldn't have heard, which changed the dynamics of our relationship.
The friendship began diminishing over a short period of time. There were things I overlooked, attributing them to quirks people have. Unfortunately, I broke my rule of thumb to put boundaries and move on when people start showing their true colors. As a Christian, I wanted to give the benefit of the doubt.
The Power Imbalance
As time progressed, a power imbalance developed, and the friendship started morphing into uncharted territories that I didn't understand. This complex dynamic created multiple layers of authority and influence, making it challenging to navigate our relationship on equal footing.
I tend to be busy and occupied, and new people in my life are often unaware that I'm not a multitasker when it comes to new friendships. The age difference and her greater life experience added another dimension to this, potentially making it harder for me to assert boundaries or express concerns.
The Confrontation
The situation I overheard was a complaint against me by my mentor, which broke my heart. I held it in for a while before confronting this friend. Unfortunately, I got to see her real side. When I told my friend that she broke my heart, her response was, "Your feelings are your feelings and are your problems, not mine." This callous response shocked me, not only did she mention it once, but also twice.
If twice wasn't enough, during our confrontation, she said, condescendingly "I'm so sorry, I completely forgot about your past, how can I forget." This statement is a clear example of psychological manipulation, combining deflection, gaslighting, and playing the victim. She put on a sad face and minimized my feelings by being condescending, repeating it twice.
As for my mentor, when confronted about lying, she initially denied it but later admitted to lying to "protect" me. As someone with a background in psychology myself, I recognized tendencies I should have seen before.
Realizations and Reflections
At that moment, my heart sank as I realized that I had misread this person all this time and let my guard down. I allowed someone to try to diminish my light. I was angry with myself for attracting this type of person into my life; and yet, I realized at that moment that I too have the same propensity to do the same when not connected to the Light Giver.
The friend's dismissive attitude towards our friendship and her use of my past against me were particularly hurtful. She broke my heart. I realized that this was narcissistic behavior and that the friendship had fundamentally changed and I was grieving the loss deeply.
Moving Forward
While I still respect this person and can still appreciate her positive qualities, I've accepted that our relationship has changed. This experience has taught me valuable lessons about friendship dynamics, the importance of setting boundaries, and the complexities that can arise in relationships.
Reflection
This experience highlights the challenges that can arise when friendships involve power imbalances. It underscores the importance of maintaining clear boundaries and being aware of the potential for manipulation, even from those we trust and respect.
Furthermore, I recognize the need to be more cautious in similar situations, to trust my instincts, and to maintain boundaries even in friendships. This experience has reinforced the importance of choosing friends wisely, maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships, and being aware of potential complications in interpersonal dynamics.
Despite the pain of this experience, I'm grateful for the lessons learned and the opportunity for personal growth. I remain committed to being a good friend to others while also prioritizing my own emotional well-being and maintaining appropriate boundaries.
A True Friend
In times like these, I find comfort in the words of Jesus from
John 15:15: "I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you."
This verse reminds me that Jesus is our true friend, always faithful and understanding.
As Suzanne Degges-White points out in her article, friendships can have "expiration dates" even when they were once close. My experience reflects this concept, as our friendship, which began with shared interests, eventually ran its course. The article also mentions that friendships can change due to shifts in life stages or interests, which is evident in my situation.
Degges-White's advice on recognizing when a friendship is fading resonates with my experience. The lack of desire to maintain contact and the difficulty in committing to meetups were clear signs that our friendship was coming to a natural end.
Moving forward, I can apply the article's suggestions on maintaining a wide social support network and not expecting one person to meet all my social needs.
This experience has reinforced the importance of choosing friends wisely and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships.
Shine your light no matter what is happening in your life as the sunshine!
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